I’ve been thinking about how I was going to write this whole.. rant, “status” type thing. I feel like I just wanna open up and tell people how I feel, even if no one cares to comment, let alone, read at all. I’ve had a lot of thoughts and feelings (if they are feelings), and I just.. I need to get it out of my head, cause it’s driving me crazy.
I don’t feel the same anymore. It’s not that I’m depressed, or overly happy, or any emotion. It’s just that something feels different. I wish I could fully explain how it feels, because it’s been driving me nuts for a very long time, and I have no idea how to even express it. I feel like I don’t need sex anymore, regardless of how much I crave it, or how much I crave the opposite sex affection. I don’t feel like I need a girlfriend at all, regardless of how lonely I feel at times. I don’t feel the need to be social, regardless of the friends that wanna be social with me. It’s nice and all, but deep down, I’d just rather be alone. I have one person on my mind all the time, sometimes too much even, and lately, I haven’t been fighting the thoughts off, because I’m tired of trying to ignore you, and all the thoughts that come with it. I can’t do it anymore. You’re just there. All the fucking time. And I can’t do anything about it. It’s like you’re unconsciously there, like a mental scar I can’t just simply remove. As much as I hate the thought of you, I feel like it’s the only thing that ever gets me by in my life anymore. Other than the fact I smoke bud, and get out to adventure at night on my own….. it’s not enough sometimes.
I just wish I felt something different. Something that I could look forward to everyday. Something that makes me actually wanna get out of my bed, instead of wanting to sleep in it all day. I always wanna just do something different, but I feel like life stops me at every corner, and I feel trapped, and I wanna just burst free, and leave.. and pretend reality doesn’t exist. I’m not saying do a bunch of drugs, not that way. I mean.. just go. Just leave. I wanna be nice to everyone, yet not be a burden and complain about my life, or anything at all. But at the same time, all I wanna do is go away, and just be by myself for a long time. It’s not that I hate anyone, or that I’m giving up on life…. I just… I just wanna find a purpose to live. A reason to try… or smile.
I just feel like lately.. life.. is just boring.. and nothing seems like it’s gonna change, no matter how hard I try. I need to get my place. I need to find myself again.